Tue
16
Oct
2012
"Let's Get Real" - Bling, Lee & the Truth
I’ve always thought from the beginning that one day this whole thing would be turned into a real life Hollywood movie. “Let’s Get Famous: The Bling Johnson Story”. I’ve always told myself and some close friends that if it did turn into a movie, it was going to be hilarious, but it was also going to be honest and real, even if that meant painting me in a bad light. Oh yeah, and I want Bradley Cooper to play me.
See, I’m just a normal guy. My real name is Lee Burnette and I work as a Social Media Strategist for a Fortune 50 company. I produce video content, write technical blogs and perform a number of “nerd” tasks from 8-5, 5 days a week. What, did you think Kid Rock’s real name is Kid Rock? It’s actually Bob Ritchie. And like Bob, what you see on stage is not always the whole story. His on stage persona is carefully crafted to be genuine, but also to entertain, similar to mine.
I got married at 24, had 3 kids and was married for 13 years. I loved it. I was a great dad, I spent time with my kids working on homework, playing with them, taking them to church and everything a normal dad should do. I loved my wife. We had our differences from time to time, but I would have taken a bullet for her, and she knew it. I had a thriving business that I built with a lot of help from a great friend and successfully stayed self-employed for 10 years. We had nice cars, a Harley, a boat, a nice house. Everything that on paper pointed to a successful life at that time.
Then it all began to fall apart. When the economy and real estate market started to nose dive around 2005, my business suffered. Looking back there are a lot of things that I could have done differently and better, but the downfall had already begun. My marriage was suffering. It was dying. I’m not going to get into the details of why, because the fact is there was plenty of blame to go around and we both could have been better spouses to each other. I respect her as a mom and we are friends to this day. However, I will say that the downfall of our marriage caused me pain in a way that I never knew was possible. And it hurt. After all, I had loved someone for over 14 years at that point, and I was losing it all. The worst part was there was nothing I could do about it. I would wake up at 4am sweating. My stomach was cramped up. The second my eyes would open I was thinking about everything. During the final stretch of our marriage I lost 27 pounds in just over a month. I was in the gym every morning by 5 not because I wanted to be there, but because it was the only thing that I could think of to do that would get me through the next 2 hours of the morning until the kids woke up and it was time to get them ready for school. Let me be clear. Not everything was her fault. There were plenty of things I could have done to be a better husband. I accept full responsibility for the parts of the failure that were my fault. Either way, the pain was unbearable, and it lasted for years.
After the split, I went downtown Austin one weekend night with my video camera. Had some fun, interviewed some people and put the video on YouTube. People watched so I did another one the next
weekend and even more people watched. I started going to Texas Longhorn’s tailgates and filming, then hustling to get a free ticket to the game, which somehow I was always able to pull off. Then
some of my friends started to go filming with me and we had a blast! There is nothing funnier than someone who has had a few too many stumbling around 6th street and the look on
their face when they see a video camera and lights. Our downtown videos are still some of the funniest clips we have.
Over time I built a following on Facebook. I always said if the views ever go down, I’ll stop doing this. They never did. People were starting to tell me they really thought I was funny. I
started to become known downtown and people started taking pictures with me. It was on a small scale, but I was becoming a mini-celebrity. And I loved it. Not because I liked the attention. That
was nice, but the real reason was because I felt like for the first time in a long time, people valued me. I felt important for the first time in many years and I’m not gonna lie. It felt
good.
Here’s the part of the story where I should spin it a little so I don't look so bad, or I can be real. I’m going to get real for a second. For the next year or so I was still in pain from my
failed marriage. I felt like I had failed at the one thing I was supposed to MAKE work. I allowed that pain to eat at me. As a result, I went about my weekends with one goal in mind. That was to
have fun and detach from my real life, which was miserable. I’ve never been a big drinker, so that was never an issue. To this day I’ve never smoked pot or done drugs in my life. But I did like
it when I would get attention from girls. I am not going to sit here and act like I was a saint for the next 12 months, because I wasn’t. For those of you that might have come into my path during
that time, I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I was avoiding my feelings at all costs and would not allow anyone to get too close to me. One word I swore I would never feel again was vulnerability.
And I was successful. I kept everyone at arms length and wouldn’t allow anyone in. To those of you that I affected with my mindset during that time, I’m sorry.
One day I was introduced to someone named Becky. The only reason I’m mentioning her name is because so many of you know her and her story is one that has inspired many people. She is a beautiful and classy woman and one of the best people I have ever met. We began to date right as the tv show was starting to air for the first time. She would come to all the shows, bring her family and friends and we began what turned into a great relationship. She was the first girl since my divorce that I allowed into my heart. And it was real. Things were moving along at a good clip and we were both happy.
The tv show continued to gain momentum, ratings were growing and our live crowds were too. Life was good and for the first time in years, felt like things were clicking along in a
good way. After about 7 months of dating Becky, we filmed an episode of the show at a venue here in Austin. The crowd was awesome. We had hundreds of people laughing, having a great time and the
band rocked it that night. People were coming up to me after the show asking to take pictures with me, complimenting me on all the success, Becky was there by my side and it was
great!
The next morning I had a 6am flight to Orlando. A journey that I have made most every month since my ex and the kids moved back to Florida 3 years earlier. As well-known as I was the night before, I walked into the airport and no one knew who I was. It was a quiet morning and I got on the plane to make that flight back to see the 3 kids I love with all my heart. I had a great trip with them. They are 13, 11 & 10 and are at ages now where they talk with me about things going on in their lives. School, boys, the latest drama that most 6th-8th graders have with their friends. It was great, yet I felt guilty. I felt like a horrible parent. How could I be living in Austin while they are living in Orlando and growing up seeing me once a month. What weighed on me even more was how could I move forward with Becky, who has a beautiful 6 year old daughter, when I couldn’t even be a part of my own kids lives. When I got on the plane to fly back to Austin I cried. Almost the whole trip home. Thank God I had huge sunglasses on cause I was a mess. When I got back I began to be distant from Becky. I withdrew and I let that continue. The whole time she still loved me. She was understanding. She was there for me no matter what. And I let it go. I let HER go.
After a couple weeks I realized I made a huge mistake. I convinced her to give me another chance because I loved her. And she did. Until I let it go a second time, then a third. By that time she
was hurt by my wavering. And who could blame her? Heck, if she was my friend I would tell her to never talk to me again. Here’s the amazing thing about Becky. She has her head on straight. She
handled everything with a grace and class that I had never seen before. She still talked to me, still would go to lunch and still communicated with me. In the months after that I moved on with my
life. Much of it was posted on Facebook for her to see and I know it hurt her. That was never my intent, but I know it did.
My biggest fear through all of this was that my kids would be hurt if I moved on with someone else that had a daughter. My fear was that they would think that if I got married to her or was even
in a serious long-term relationship with her that I didn’t love them as much anymore. That scared me to DEATH and is the ONLY reason I let Becky go in the first place. AND I WAS DEAD WRONG.
Over my past 3 visits with the kids we have talked in detail about that. We talked about Becky (who they love) and even their own mom who has found a guy that is good to her and the kids and
makes her happy. For the first time I began to think that it IS ok if I move forward.
Last week, through some events and realizations that I won’t go into out of respect for Becky, I realized that for the first time, I was losing her. It was through these events that I realized I
had screwed up. Bad. I tried to fix it. I was honest and sincere in everything I was saying to her and made every attempt to reconcile. She was never mean or rude (and I deserved for her to be),
but she wasn’t giving in. I wrote her a card and let her know what I was willing to do if we could make this work. And I meant and still mean every word. And I was getting nowhere. And I deserved
every bit of it. I had months of chances to fix it and I didn’t. While I still feel that my head was messed up about the kids being so far away, I finally came to the realization last weekend
that I was using that as a crutch and acting like a victim. Does it hurt? Yes. But I knew it was time to move forward and make this right.
This past weekend I was driving to Florida to see the kids. On Saturday night at 2am I pulled over somewhere in Alabama and pulled into a parking lot. I got in the back seat of my car, pulled out
my laptop and wrote her a 6 page letter. In this letter I apologized for everything I ever did. The times I took her love for granted and didn’t commit to her in the way I should have. I let her
know, in detail, why I meant it this time.
In the days since all of this, I have felt a lot of pain. But I didn’t really care that I hurt, I was sad because for the first time I felt the same pain that I had been making her feel for
months now. How could I have messed up something that was so good? And was it too late?
During these discussions she asked me a simple question. She said “Do you think God has a plan with all this”? I tried to not answer and she stopped me. She asked me again. “Do you think God has
a plan”? Now I have been a Christian since I was 6 years old when I got saved in Detroit, Michigan. I grew up in church my whole life, played guitar and led music in the youth group and college
groups. I took my kids to church most every Sunday. I know the right answer to give her, but since the divorce I have been running from God. I don’t know that I blamed him, but I have been
running from him. I answered her in my own defiant way. I said “I believe he gives us choices, and I really wish you would choose to give me another chance”. Now keep in mind, this was just
last Friday, but WHO THE HECK DID I THINK I WAS?? God had a plan that day, but I didn’t know it.
As I drove to Florida for 19 hours, I thought through every angle of my situation with her. And finally, at 3am in the panhandle of Florida I put both hands on the steering wheel, I looked
straight ahead and I began to pray out loud. This was not a normal prayer. This was God and I having a talk. I started by saying “Ok, God, it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but let’s do
this”. I told him I wasn’t coming to him to “make a deal” or “if you give me Becky I’ll go become a missionary”. This was about re-establishing communication with him. And I was mad. Why did my
marriage have to end. Why did I have to be in so much pain, why did my ex and kids go back to Florida, twice. And now, why did all of that pain come full circle and allow me to mess things up
with the one woman who I know loves me for ME. And I lost it. I probably cried for 15 minutes talking and yelling through everything I was feeling. I finally told him I don’t know what to do.
Right then it hit me. HE HAD A PLAN. Just like Becky was trying to tell me. Funny thing is the plan may not have had anything to do with her and I getting back together. I believe he used the
pain I was feeling for having lost her as a way to break me down and FORCE me to look only to him. He had a plan the whole time and I let my arrogance and stupidity keep me from it for too long.
While in Florida this week I took my lunch break and drove to the church I went to in my early adult life and the one that we went to as a family when the kids were younger. I pulled into the parking lot and walked up to the front door almost hoping it was locked. It was open. I walked in and was hoping security would stop me before I got to the sanctuary, but they didn’t. I walked in to the 4,500 seat worship center and it was completely empty and dead quiet. I sat all the way in the back and looked forward. Thoughts of being there with each of my kids as infants ran through my head. Thoughts of the kids being dedicated as babies and as they got older singing on stage hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I began to cry once again but this time, my tone with God was much different. I wasn’t mad or angry, I wasn’t pleading with him for Becky to return to me. I simply asked his forgiveness for turning away from him for the past few years. For some reason I took a picture of my view and posted it on Facebook. I think I did that as a reminder to myself for later. I added this caption: “After a painful divorce and 3 years of running from God, I can’t run anymore”. One of the comments on that picture was from my Dad. He posted: “As I look at this picture, my prayers for you are being answered. You've gone through a rough chapter in your book of life. My prayer is that the next chapter will have the real Lee Burnette in it. We love you”. Wow. After over 3 years of pain I had finally made a change that my parents had been praying for the whole time.
As of right now as I sit here in my hotel room in Orlando tonight writing this blog, I have no clue what the future holds for Becky and I. I want it to work and I am holding out hope that she
gives me another chance to prove myself. However, I also know this. No matter what happens, she was right. God DOES have a plan and no matter how long we run from him, eventually we’ll stop
running, and when we do, he’ll be right there waiting for us with open arms.
I still love you Becky.
~Lee Burnette
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Comments: 33
Kendra (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 19:39)
Thank You Lee.. I am praying for u and your family. Its been a year since my divorce and its good to know real people go through real stuff and that we can all move forward to a next chapter. Forgiveness to ones self is key... Kendra
WW (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 19:48)
If your eyes are open your heart will be full. Thanks for sharing. Spiritual healing is the first step to happiness. Becky has taught me about prayer and building my own relationship with God.
Baker (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 19:51)
Well. Lee. I just read your message above......and I am sitting here at a bar in Nashville balling my eyes out. Thank you very much! ;0)
You have come a long way......in reality.....in a very short period of time. I pray that you will look back on this period on your life with a smile. If not on your face, then in your heart. I learned from a very wise man that "God has a plan and a time line and we have a plan and a time line.......BUT.......God is always on plan and don time"!!!! We both have to learn to accept that and open ourselves up to it. Relinquishing control is sooooo hard. I struggle with it every day. I pray that you hold on to this experience with The Lord and not let it slip over time. Another very hard thing to not let happen. It is easy to "get religion" for 3-6 months. The hard thing to do is to hold on from here on out. The secular world pressures are strong. I love ya brother. Please call if I can help......heck, even if I can't.....call me anyway. I'll do the same. I pray the best for ya, Lee.
Mike
Shawna (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 19:59)
Hooray! Just hooray! Love you.
Kristy (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 20:08)
Wow Lee! This brings tears to my eyes. Becky is a smart woman and regardless of what happens you are a better man for knowing her. She has made me a better person as well! I wish the best for you both. XOXO!
Anne (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 20:27)
Lee, I too went through a divorce almost 3 years ago. I thought my world was over until I met David. This man brought me so much joy but I made mistakes with him. We both are Christians but my actions were anything but Christian. We are now separated. I messed up and want him back. I have since realized it's up to God not me. Praying for you and knowing how real your pain must be.
Seth (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 21:19)
Amazing! I feel like I have known you for the nature journey of this 3 years!!! Lee, God does have a plan for you and no matter what it is, it is going to be Great if you stay on His path!!! I will certainly keep you in my prayers!!
JoeG (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 22:30)
A very inspiring story to read, Lee. Keep your plan moving right along, my friend. The best way to predict your future is to create it. Your ambition and will to keep going strong only means you're getting closer to your achievement. :)
Bling - Lee (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 22:41)
Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot and I'm glad that you are all a part of my life.
Eric (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 22:51)
Lee - great post. I appreciate your friendship and love your willingness to be candid and share your journey with us. Your story reminds me of many of the feelings I experienced after my own divorce - it's inspiring to me personally to see how you're working through these events. Let's get another ride in soon!
Diana Prause (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 22:53)
Lee,
God does have a plan for us; we don't know what that plan is until He reveals it to us. Stay strong and be open for it. Your family and your friends love you and support you. You have touched many lives and I can't wait to see what He has planned for you. Be still and listen (the opposite of social media) and, most of all, be ready my friend.
Craig Mooney (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:00)
Thanks for sharing your journey Lee. Isn't it great that when we let go, God doesn't? Call me sometime if you want.
Bling - Lee (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:09)
Eric, great talking to you today. Sad for you you're gonna be stuck being my friend for a while, so deal with it:)
Diana, great perspective. It was good to see a post from you and I'm glad we're friends.
Craig, You've seen parts of this story up close and you are right, just because we let go doesn't mean he does. Great to hear from you.
Suzanne Bryant (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:26)
When Jon asked me if I had read your blog recently... I said I hadn't read much you had written lately. However, he encouraged me to read it. Ii read every word. I'm thankful God is working in your heart. I always thought of you as the little shepherd of the 424's! I will pray for you. Becky seems likely to have a relationship with God... She's lovely. Praying for The Lord to stun you with his plan and presence...
Bling - Lee (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:33)
Thanks Suzanne. Funny thing is I think many of us in the 424 group are being dealt with lately. Funny how that all works:) Great to hear from you and thank you for your note.
Tom F. (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:37)
I'm glad you stopped running. You are in my prayers. God never said the road is easy, he just says he won't leave us.
Riley Warddrip (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 00:41)
Lee, during the many years we've been friends we have always helped set high expectations for each other. When all is said and done you have ALWAYS exceeded my very highest expectations! God willing, Becky & the kids will agree! I'm more proud than ever to call you a very close friend! Let's ride...
Jenny (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 01:56)
Lee,
I have been there. I have felt your anger and I love for the new man in my life and his child. I also stopped my relationship with God for a short period. It took me 6 years to wake up from all the hurt to see who was in front of me. I think God does have a plan for all of us. I think I am an amazing mom and I see the joy in you every time you talk about your children. I also see the philanthropic work you do with your show. God has been guiding you and I am so proud of all the lives you have changed for good. You are a role model by the life you lead today! My step daughter.. My daughter... Lives with us 100% of the time because CPS took her mom away. She needed a mom and that was Gods plan for me. My children have two loving parents like your kids. They do get jealous of my time with her but understand she needs me more than they do because they are well adjusted kids with two (plus - both of us remarried) patents that love them. Follow your heart and trust in God. You have me and I will support your journey.
Jenny
Jeff Bryant (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 04:14)
We've been friends for a LONG time. I haven't heard from THIS guy in a few years. Always there for you, Bro. Love Ya - Your fellow 424.
Renae Hurst (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 09:24)
This was very honest and inspiring, Lee. Thank you for sharing! Wish you and your family nothing but the best.
Bling - Lee (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 10:30)
Thanks for the note Tom. Riley you have always inspired me to be better and have been there for me in many ways along the way. I truly appreciate your friendship.
Jeff, I know what you mean and I know you always have my back like I have yours.
Renae, Thank you!
Cody Rowe (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 14:17)
My Friend, I'm literally in Tears, Thanks for opening up to us... You continue to inspire us in so many ways, God Bless you Buddy,... Just keep moving forward on Gods Path and you will not only find happiness, but also that 'Disappointment' is not in the Good Lords Vocabulary once you see what he has in store for you... All my Love Brother... Cody Rowe
Spencer (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 15:09)
Not sure if you remember me but I sat next to you on a plane trip to Detroit last year...you were on your way to see Kid Rock with your Grandmother I think (cool!). Anyways...our situations are similar, I have a child I travel to see in another state each month, went through a divorce, etc... I'm super pumped you reconnected with the Lord. During all my difficult times, connecting with the Lord through prayer and faith is the only thing that kept me grounded. Wherever your travels take you I hope your faith in the Lord keeps your troubles at bay! I've found God works in unkown ways but the greatest thing is that he always loves us. He doesn't care what we did yesterday as much as what we plan on doing tomorrow. Praying for you!!!
Bling - Lee (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 16:16)
Cody, Thank you for being a part of my life. You are a solid guy and I like what you had to say. It's true and pretty cool.
Spencer, Of course I member you. How could I forget a dude I just met and I asked you if I could act like I was sleeping on your shoulder while we had the airline attendant film it for the show! Ha! Thank you for your note. Sounds like we can relate on many levels with all this and I appreciate what you had to say:)
Carolyn Christian Still (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 21:31)
I love you Lee (adopted little brother) -- reading your words makes me weep and I am grateful to God for his work in your life...for this I have prayed many a time.
Bling - Lee (Thursday, 18 October 2012 10:01)
Thank you Carolyn. And I know you have:)
Wil Wilkins (Thursday, 18 October 2012 11:40)
Wow! I am absolutely excited for your brother. God can wisper in our ear or use a brick to get our attention. God uses pain to bring us to the end of ourselves, and I agree with you, at that end, we find only Him-smiling, His arms open, His Heart filled with unconditional love, and affirmation that He LOVES His own. Lee, thank you for sharing your story,I wepted the whole time I read it and God has used it to impact a lot of people for His Glory!!! Love you man!!! Jeremiah 29:11
Missy (Thursday, 18 October 2012 12:21)
Lee, you are an amazing writer and an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your journey.
I truly wish you the best on the next chapter in your life, no matter where God may take you. We are all very blessed to have you in our lives, remember that.
Hugs,
Missy
Bling - Lee (Thursday, 18 October 2012 15:17)
Thank you Wil. I appreciate your note and agree with you completely.
Missy, you've been a great friend and thank you for what you wrote. We have a special group of friends and I'm glad to be a part of it:)
Britt (Monday, 05 November 2012 12:48)
Thank you. Just... thank you.
Monica (Sunday, 23 December 2012 11:04)
Just wanted to let you know that I read your blog and "Wow!" What an amazing and super personal and difficult thing to share. Thanks for reminding me of it this weekend - and it was great to see you (TWICE)! :). Merry Christmas!
Nealia (Thursday, 27 December 2012 00:15)
Thank you for sharing. I've been running myself and the past 6 months there are stories like this that have been touching my heart and pulling me back to what matters and reminds me not to loose my faith in God.
Tom the JERK (Monday, 03 June 2013 00:40)
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